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Q: What time do you go to the dentist?
A: Tooth hurty. (2:30)
Was I complaining?
OK Here's my entry.
A big time investment banker get's fed up with the rat race. He decides to get away from it all; New York, The Wife. So he buys a ranch in the middle of Montana sight unseen.
When he moves there he finds the place exactly like it was advertised. The house and buildings were in great shape. The land was good and hte wildlife was terrific.
But after about six weeks he found himself getting a bit lonely. He only saw people when he made his 70 mile run to "town" for supplies.
One day he was sitting on the porch and he say the dust cloud of a pickup from miles away. He watched the dust cloud as it drove into his yard.
When the pickup arrived, out stepped a real Montana cowboy. Hat, boots, jeans, cowboy shirt. The cowboy greeted him with a big "Howdy Neigbor".
The ex-banker asked him how close they lived together and the Montana cowboy said "shucks, we're real close. You just drive up that road 7 miles, hang a right for about 15 miles and that's my place.
They shot the breeze for a while, as new neighbors do. When it was time to go, the Montana Cowboy said, "Say, I'm throwing a party Saturday night, do youall want to come."
The ex-banker, a little worried that he might not fit in asked what was going to go on at the party.
The Cowboy responded that there would be "A lot of drinking, a lotta of eating, some loud musioc, some dancing and later a lot of sex."
The ex-banker decided that it had been a long time, and said "sure, should I wear anything special."
The Cowboy said, "Nah, you don't have to wear nothing special, it's just going to be the two of us."
You're too literal.
Of course, if someone did want to hit the tip jar I wouldn't be adverse to that...
"Who was it?" he asked.
"My husband," she replied.
"I better get going," he said.
"Where was he?"
"Relax. He'll be late, he's playing poker with you."
As far as we know, Carrick has tried to buy off the judge. I'm still feeling pretty confident.
Once upon a time, there was a kingdom filled with brave knights, beautiful maidens, and ruled by a great and powerful king. After many years of all the knights attempting to best one another, he finally announced the single contest that will resolve it all.
The big day came and the first knight came foward...
"I am the youngest knight of the land and have more youth and vitality than anyone else. To prove my worth, I will lift 2 bricks with my penis!"
He succeeded, the crowd cheered, the women fainted, and the band played appropriately.
A second knight came forward...
"I am the bravest knight of the land and have slain more dragons than any three knights combined. To prove my worth, I will lift 4 bricks with my penis!"
He succeeded, the crowd cheered, the women fainted, and the band played appropriated.
A third knight came foward...
"I am the oldest knight of the land and have been more experience and have trained most of our other knights. To prove my worth, I will lift 6 bricks with my penis!"
He succeeded, the crowd cheered, the women fainted, and the band played appropriated.
A silence covered the field as no other knight stepped foward. And then the King spoke....
"I am your King. I am the wisest, bravest, strongest, and the leader of my people. To prove my worth, I will lift 10 bricks with my penis!"
He succeeded, the crowd cheered, the women fainted, and the band played God Save the Queen.
a. Mountin' Time.
Sorry I should have added in the obligatory "Not that there's anything wrong with that."
Or maybe, since Rob lives in Western North Dakota he might appreciate a Montana joke.
I've got one more that I'll submit later.
Enquiring minds want to know.
Grooms goes to a party. The female host of the party invites groom into her bedroom, closes and locks the door.
Groom, I want you to take off my shoes. Groom does so.
Groom, I want you to take off my shirt. Groom slowly unbuttons it, and take it off.
Groom, I want you to take off my pants. Groom man does slowly and sensually.
Groom I want you to take off my Bra. Groom get's a bit nervous, but does so.
Groom, I want you to take off my panties. Groom at this point get's very nervous, but eventually does.
Groom, I want you to do two more things, one stay out of my closet and don't you ever let me catch you wearing my clothes again.
Well, there is... But I just wondered why the two you put forward were both about perverse montana cowboys... If I had to pick two favorite jokes, they would not be about gay cowboys...thats all
2) Three islamo-fascists walk into a bar. Then it blows up.
Three guys are walking along a beach--a white guy, a black guy, and a Mexican--when they stumble across a lamp. They pick it up and rub it, and out pops a genie, who grants them each one wish. The black man goes first, saying, "I wish that me and all my black brothers and sisters could be safe and happy back in Africa." POOF, the black guy disappears. Next comes the Mexican. He says, "I wish that me and all my Mexican brothers and sisters would be safe and happy back in Mexico." POOF, the Mexican disappears. Finally, it's the white guys turn. He thinks for a minute, then asks the genie, "You mean to tell me that all the blacks and Mexicans are out of America?" "That's right," replies the genie. "Well," the white guy responds, "I'll have a Coke, then."
In a meadow there was a big birch tree standing right next to a beach tree. One day the birch noticed that there was another tree growing inbetween them and said, "Hey, Mr. Beach tree, is that new tree a son of a beach tree or a son of a birch tree. The beach tree responded, "I don't know if it's a son of a birch tree or a son of a beach tree, Mr. Birch tree." The birch tree says, "Let's ask the wood pecker."
"Mr. Woodpecker," says the beach tree, "is that new tree a son of a beach tree or a son of a birch tree?"
"I don't know, let me find out," the woodpecher said. So the woodpecher goes down to the new tree and starts pecking away. After a minute he goes back up to the trees and the birch tree says, "Well, mr. woodpecker, is it a son of a birch tree or a son of a beach tree?"
The woodpecker responded, "I don't know if it's a son of a beach tree or a son of a birch tree, but I do know that it's the best piece of ash I've ever put my pecker in!"
Because it was dead.
That is my favorite joke of all time. Snertz.
The argument got hotter and the angry Swedes finally lobbed some grenades into the Norwegian crowd.
The Norwegians picked them up, pulled the pins and lobbed them back.
;)
By the way everybody... Rob is our youngest chld and our only son. He's our Bunny Boy.
Rob, you forgot say that your Princess daughter is a flower girl in the wedding. She's wearing a dress that her Nanny made for her. You'll have to post pictures.
Love you Mick!!!
Cost of living in North Dakota is lower!
But this year we've had some incredible specials on fresh strawberries which are unbelievably delicious!
Your horse is beautiful, Carol!
hahahahaha
Any blackmail material should be emailed.
A:Lets go ride bikes!!!
Happy Birthday Rob!
"I was following the bear's tracks in the snow when suddenly the bear jumped up from behind a bush and went 'ROOOOOOOOAAAAARR', I'm afraid I crapped my pants"
Young Rob III said, "That's understandable, Grandpa, just about anyone would have been frightened enough to do that."
"Not then, I wasn't scared at all then, I did it just now when I said 'ROOOOOOOOAAAAARR'.
Obviously, he goes to Hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I'm not sure what to do," says the Devil. "you're on my list,
but I have
no room for you. But since you definitely have to stay here, I am going to
have to let someone else go.
"I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one
of them go, but you'll have to take their place. I'll even let you decide
who leaves." George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool
of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" George shouted. "I don't think so. I am not a good swimmer,
And I
don't think I could do that all day long".
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge
hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, over and
over, time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder, I would be in constant agony
if all I could do was breaks rocks all day", commented George.
The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton Lying on
the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a
spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,
"Yeah, I can handle this."
The Devil smiled and said "Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"
If you chose his because it disrespected the President, he's done that to himself long ago.
He's disrespected all of us and mostly he's disrespected the lives of the Iraqi people.
We have two Democratic candidates in the primary running for governor and they're both filthy rich and connected. So it goes. Or we could keep superrich and connected Turbinator.
They just play to different bases and then the bases fight eachother while the politicians play and wine and dine together and laugh at all of us.
I can't imagine sticking up for any of them. They are despicable, disgusting, bloated bureaucrat who feed off of us like leeches and suck the last ounce of blood out of our lifeless bodies and wallets.
Q: How many Blue Grass musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five, one to change it and four to complain that it is electric.
Q: If you drop a banjo and an accordian off a 5th story window, which will hit first?
A: Who cares!
One morning a husband returns to his lake cabin after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the
lake, his wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book, enjoying the peace and quiet.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't it obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment. I'll have to take you in! And write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
The blond HP officer walked up and asked the blond driver if she knew why she had stopped her.
The blonde driver said "I don't know."
The blonde HP officer then asked the driver for her drivers license.
The driver responded, "A drivers license, what's that."
The blonde HP officer said, "It's the size of a credit card, but it has her picture."
The driver dug through her purse and found a small mirror. She looked at it and said "this must be it, because it has my picture."
The Blonde HP officer took the 'ID', inspected it and said, "You dummy this is my drivers license."
One:
Two:
2) My speech went over well. Got some good laughs. Didn't use any jokes from here though.
3) Yes, "bunny boy" is feeling a little woozy this morning.
Take a shower, drink lots of water and take it easy the rest of the day.
Course now that I'm old I only have to use that every couple years.
I'm going to have a big glass of water and then go back to bed.
Worst hangover I ever had was after a homecoming party. When we ran out of beer we switched to something else and something else. Then some idiot (other than me) bought a box of cigars.
Worst hangover of my life. In the morning I went to get coffee, but my hand on the stove and grabbed the coffee pot. Dead-short; I couldn't let go of the stove or coffee pot. Finally I dropped the pot.
I needed the coffee so I unplugged the pot with the towel.
Later that day after feeling terrible all day I went to the Y, took a steam bath. After that I felt better so I rode the lifecycle for a short time. More steam, a long shower and I felt much better.
Cigars are generally too dry mouth and bad breath for my tastes. The only kind I'll touch are the regular and vanilla "Blackie Milds".
Come on, DocDave. You know it's unhealthy not to drink!
They're a treat!
A: He works it out with a pencil.
Q: What did one hamburger say to the other?
A: Nice buns.
Q: What kind of bees give milk?
A: Boo-bees!
You know how in the olden days they used more magic and less machinery? I think that's how they worked.
One night he doesn't show up. Then a second night goes by - she calls him up.
"Where have you been?"
"Oh, at what'sher name's down the road."
"Oh, and what are you all doing there?"
"Pretty much the same thing you and I do. We sit on the couch naked watching TV and she holds my ... unit."
"Really? What does she have that I don't?"
"Parkinson's."